Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Lately, it seems that all I can think about are the what if's? 

I felt like I handled quarantine fairly well in the beginning months. Things being cancelled and having to stay at home was hard but I feel like it's really starting to take a toll now. All the things I was looking forward to are being cancelled still months later. 

Luckily we've been spending most of our time outside which has been such a blessing. If you live in Northeast Ohio you understand this has been an exceptional summer. We've had weeks of 95 degree days and constant sunshine. The Lord must have known that we really needed that to get through this time. I personally thought we were headed back in the right direction and now there's talk about closing down again. 

We just recently had to cancel our vacation to Cape May, NJ that we we're supposed to go on in just a few weeks. We go every other year with Anthony's family and we always stay at the same place, eat at the same restaurants, and shop at the same boutiques. It's become a tradition that I have grown to love from being a part of his family. They started taking a family picture at this ice cream shop on the New Jersey boardwalk since they were kids. It's amazing to see how much our small family has changed every other year at least since I've been a part of it, for the last 7 years. I'm starting to get really sad knowing we won't have that next picture with Ellie. 

Maybe I'm just being selfish but all I can think about lately are all the things I'm missing out on. I didn't think kids going back to school or not really had anything to do with me, but that affects my M.O.P.S. group that I look forward to going to. It has affected me going to church and being engaged. I'm struggling to get my 17 month old to sit during church, there's only so many snacks I can stuff her with before she's losing her mind and I have to stand in the lobby with her. I love going to church. It's a part of who I am. I miss dropping her off in the nursery and letting her socialize with other kids so I could actually pay attention to the sermon. I can't even remember the last time and that's affecting my mental health. 

I miss my routine and my friends. I'm sure God has a plan for all of this. I just wish I knew the plan... Honestly, I don't even know if knowing the plan or the outcome would change the ability to go through the process. I'm trying to understand that this is the only way to grow but it's not any fun. I just know I'm not the only one struggling with this. I hope if you're reading this then you are finding comfort in knowing your'e not the only one. 

I'm so thankful for my family and our health. We have been blessed in so many ways. We've been blessed with a place to call home, a job that's stable, and a tight knit loving family. I'm looking forward to my sister getting married next June and all the fun festivities that come with that. 

I'm just learning to trust the process in the mean time.... and that's ok. 

I also have been trying to be more diligent in doing my devotional every morning, working out or going for a walk, and listening to uplifting music. Anything to bring on all the good vibes! 

So if you have any recommendations for what’s been helping you through this process, leave them in the comments! I’d live to hear from you guys! 

Listening to the words of There Was Jesus have been so powerful these days.

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing, in the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I've been or where I'm going
Even when I didn't know it
Or couldn't see it
There was Jesus


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